Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

the only bumper sticker ill allow

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish