The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really