Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

A dad and his duck

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”