The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
A little too much information.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.