Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

It will always be this

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

Sirens: *luring me to my death*

Me: *finger guns*

Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt