The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
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Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.