The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii