The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
adam and eve had first world problems
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.