Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder