The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
No, he would not have.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites