The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
True
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget