The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
i could never be president. im overqualified.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.