The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
i was dropped as an adult
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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