The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.