Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”