The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.