Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve