The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
necessity is the mother of invention
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡