The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*