The government even made aliens boring
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.