The government even made aliens boring
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“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you