The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s caring too much. And shoplifting
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.