The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)