The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
You Might Also Like
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Well, this explains it:
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian