The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
You Might Also Like
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare