Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.