Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

*pronounces fake like saké*

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.