Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

Not today. 😅

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

The cashier just checked me out.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol