@SamGrittner

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

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@GrantTanaka

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

@kidphonic

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@ericsshadow

WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you

@LOVELADONNIS

Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@Ideal_Victoria

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.