[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me
ME: she’s a liar
WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?
ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.