The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.