The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
This kinda thing happens to me often
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.