Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

😎 🍻

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

wtf is an acronym

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.