The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*jazz hands*
