The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
everyone’s a critic
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
