The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
