The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
sign of the times 🖊
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
