Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Carpe DM

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

tinder is all about the long game

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug