The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
girls literally only want one thing..
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
this post was so formative to me
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.