Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?