Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork