The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
🌱🌱🌱
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
It do be feeling this way.
