The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
is it earth
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.