The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Check your privilege
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again