@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

- @Bob_Janke

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@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

@noog

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

@HLFHM

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

@Donna_McCoy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

@bridger_w

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

@Contwixt

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

@jazz_inmypants

[Heaven]

Air Bud: who’s the new guy

Clifford: idk but he’s cute

[earlier that day]

Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@TheToddWilliams

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”