The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.