Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it