Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

placebo pills? more like sike meds

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away