Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Bootstraps

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube