The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Breaking news:
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
whatcha thinkin bout
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.