The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail