The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Ion see the issue
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.