The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Breaking news:
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.