Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.