Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

British people

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie