Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying