The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.