The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?