The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
You Might Also Like
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
this was very charming
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.