The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Catering service
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck