The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
HELP 😭
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?