The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Breaking news:
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
the answer was staring at me all along
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Don’t make me out nice you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜