The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
no!! no!!!!!!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this