The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
this has done me in for some reason
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees