The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
