The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
he’s doing your taxes
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
shampoo implies shampee
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
c’mon!
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
the icebreaker