Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.