Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes