Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

choose your fighter

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.