*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
We know he can swim but…
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”