@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.

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@13spencer

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

@buhsbaby_baby

Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@dorsalstream

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

@lucidchemistry

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

@living_marble

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat