A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.