Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving in Europe vs Canada

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.