The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
live long and prosper!
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
We need more people like this.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school